It has been a while, and I really can’t make excuses for not writing much, but I hope you guys enjoy this piece from me and share your thoughts about it…
I was only 7 when I knew I was different. I didn’t look like the other kids, how could I, we were not born of the same parents, so it was biologically impossible, but 8 years old me didn’t know that. I didn’t fit in and just didn’t think like the other kids. They wanted to play Hide and Seek, I was plotting how to get back at my brothers for annoying me, but all kids my age think of that right? I guess, but not like me, I still knew I was different because they won’t allow me to play and they called me “big head” and “big lips”.
At 9, I decided not to fit in. We were all decked out in the same cloth, but I still didn’t want to play with them, because I knew I was different. They still called me “big head”, “big lips” and the girl who refused to relax her hair. Was my head really that big or aren’t my lips normal? I thought to myself. I couldn’t change the size of my head or lips, little me didn’t know of plastic surgery then, so I did the easy part, I made mum relax my hair to fit in, apart of me still wanted to fit in.
Age 10 found me in a new environment with more people my age, hoping I wouldn’t stand out I decided to blend in. I was dark skinned like most of the other kids and wearing the same attire, so blending in was not supposed to be a problem and it was not till I turned 13.
13 year old me was tired of blending in, I was sick just thinking I wanted to be like them.
“I can never be like them”, I said to myself so many times, but being like them could mean I’ll be lonely, no one will talk to me, but I was already lonely and living a fake life at that point I said to myself “They don’t have to like you, you like yourself, that is enough”. Ohh, how I lied to myself, and I didn’t lie to myself a couple of times. I tried to make myself believe I loved me and I believed that till the Queen B called me ugly at 15.
She didn’t call me ugly to my face, she said it when I was not there, but I still heard and it broke what was left of the fake confidence I had built and I was back to being different but wanting to fit in. I was so unhappy and I hoped the next phase would be better. And it was better, but I waited till I was 19 before I started being me.
No, the real me didn’t come out at 19, but she did come out from her hiding place sometimes and I was happy she did. But was I really happy? Not as happy as I hoped to be at 20but better than what I had felt over the years. I may never fit in, but 21 years old me was not bothered as she had learned to accept me and also live by my own rules. He loves me, she loves me, don’t matter, all that matters is I love me and I can’t wait to see how I’ll grow into the woman I truly am.